Understanding Incel: A Guide to Dating
In the year 2022, I officially declare it as the year of anti-incel. No more complaints about difficulty finding a partner due to excessively high standards. Or not having a partner because of being too misogynistic or having unrealistic fantasies like those in anime. But before we delve into how to get a partner, have you ever thought about how human relationships have evolved from the past to the present?
The History of Dating
Dating, also known as the stage before marriage, is actually a relatively new phenomenon. The same goes for marriages based on love with a partner of one’s own choosing. Yes, all of this is a modern invention, occurring only in the 19th century. Previously, parents married off their children to consolidate economic and social status. However, they didn’t just marry off their children immediately; there was a courtship period to determine if their children were compatible. This practice had various names. In Europe, it was known as courtship, while in Malay culture, it was referred to as dating. In courtship, the suitor would visit the woman at her home, where they would interact while being supervised by the woman’s chaperone. On the other hand, in dating, the man would visit the woman’s home to recite poetry and play the flute as a sign that he intended to marry her. The woman’s father would come out to ask the man about his intentions. If the father was satisfied with the answer, he would call his daughter. If she agreed, they would mark the occasion with a water plant. The water plant’s mark would last for three months. During this time, the man would prepare himself. Once the mark disappeared, he would be asked if he was ready to marry. If not, he had to let his partner go. This is how the tradition of dating in Indonesia emerged and evolved to what it is today. It has developed so much that many people date for 5, 6, 7, or even 8 years. Is that a dating duration or a school term?
The Evolution of Dating
Apart from dating, there is also cohabitation, where couples live together without getting married. This practice is more common in the West, originating from the sexual revolution of the 1960s. Here, cohabitation is often seen as a form of premarital sex that goes against Eastern norms. Additionally, cohabitation is often associated with university students. However, in reality, cohabitation is actually an alternative for those too poor to get married. It serves as a trial period and a way to save up for marriage. Surprisingly, in the United States, statistics show that the majority of married couples are university graduates and typically belong to the middle class. With the worsening economic situation, more American couples are choosing to cohabit. They are unsure if they will eventually marry, but many are optimistic. The reason they want to marry is that marriage is a way for couples to express their love and celebrate their relationship – both socially and legally.
How to Get a Partner
After discussing the lengthy evolution of dating, let’s talk about how to get a partner. With today’s technology, we can search for partners beyond our immediate social circles. Want a Korean or Japanese partner to fulfill your oriental partner fantasy? Easy, just open Tinder. Prefer a foreigner with an Asian fetish? Same, just open Tinder or Bumble. Many people find the love of their life through dating apps, but many also report negative experiences when using these apps. Some even claim that dating apps harm their mental health. This is because the match notifications from dating apps provide a false sense of validation. Moreover, dating apps tend to focus too much on physical appearance, making people feel objectified based solely on their looks. However, this doesn’t mean that dating apps are entirely negative. Numerous studies show that couples who meet through dating apps are just as happy as those who meet through conventional means. Dating apps can also be a crucial tool in combating – or more accurately, aggravating – the growing population of incels every year. Isn’t it strange that despite being adults and having technological convenience to find a partner, some people still complain about not having one?
